CSMGS 2

Sept 16th 2010


I bring you the next chapter in fun, of crazy shit my grandmother says. CSMGS, for short.

1. She thinks the Gulf oil has reached Chicago. You heard me. She thinks the spilled oil from the gulf of mexico has wafted it's way up here, and sullied our driveways. Driving around a week ago she made the comment at all the slightly dirty driveways (it hasn't rained around here in a few weeks) "I can't believe that Gulf oil made it up here, what a terrible thing" In which I was in the backseat, making a 8D face to my dad. The gulfs directly south of us, some...950 miles. No jet-stream short of a SUPER HURRICANE could do anything even remotely possible to that.

2. She thinks i'm a pot-head. This too came from the same visit as mentioned above, and confirmed that the last 3 forwarded e-mails she's sent me have all been about the wacky adventures of people smoking weed (the last one was some stupid thing about a koala smoking a joint with a skink. IT'S AS HILARIOUS AS IT SOUNDS) I mentioned that her buddah looks like he was smoking a cigarette, and she goes "Oh yeah, you'd know all about those ' funny looking ' cigarettes, don't you? *laughs*" Her reasoning why? Art. That all artists are pot-heads. I do art. Thus I do pot. After I heard that I sorta stood up a little taller and went "WHHHHAAT" Nothing could convince her otherwise, even as I basically told her "BITCH I'M ALLERGIC TO PLANTS, HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SMOKE WEED" that she looks at me and goes "Well, there's other ways" and I go "BETCH JUST WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I DO?!"

3. She thinks that the president sells personal shot-glasses. Here's that story: Crazy grandma goes to a garage sale, finds a shotglass with the 'Great seal of the united states" on it and asks the woman where she got it from. That woman tells her that her daughter picked it up in washington DC as she was in the services, and that eventually made it back to her mom, and now in this garage sale.
Picked up in Washington DC. You know what that is, right? It's some shitty souvenir store. What does crazy grandma think? That it was picked up at the white house, of course! ITS FUCKING VALUABLE AS HELL. That's why the woman only sold it to her for a goddamn quarter! WHO MAKES THESE CONNECTIONS? Who would honestly go "Oh, this must be the president's shot-glass!" WHY would you think that? So, when she gives it to my dad as a present for his birthday and proceeds to pester the shit out of him about it "Don't you like the shot glass, jim? IT's real gold, jim! IT"S FROM THE PRESIDENT, JIM. JIM JIM JIM JIM" as my dad goes "Jesus Christ mom, i'm driving!" as she pretty much smacking him upside the face with the shot glass.


4. She sympathizes with the Westboro Baptist Church: For anyone who doesn't know who these people are, they attend tragic funerals of mass death, or any sort of public funeral with signs like "God hates Fags" "Faggots should die" Even if the people being buried weren't gay. They purposely piss off people with the hope that if they fight back, they'll sue them for every penny they own because it's a tiny, fucked up congregation of lawyers and assholes.
I tried to use them as an example of how stupid groups can bring a community together through thier communal hatred of them, like when the Westboro Baptist Church came to NIU to protest the 5 people who died here in our school shooting. (They also praised the shooter as doing God's work at killing all these other fags off) and she goes "But they're just representing a integral part of the old testament" as I stop dead in my tracks and gape at her. Lost whatever respect I had left for that woman.


Long story short, old people are just as informed as toddlers sometimes.