USD, I don't even...

Okay. So I completed this commission for my mom's retard bf, Bruce. It's for my mom, and it's of her dog. Beyond his dickishness in demanding it be done ASAP, and reminding me when my own mother's birthday is, he's now topped the cake of crap- thankfully, i've got it in writing so everyone can see. Mostly by just being...you guessed it, more stupid an impatient. OH, and for about a week, he called me every other day to prod me about "what he could to to move the process along"

Step one, I told you when you pestered me about this a few weeks ago, that I have a commission queue of people that I don't feel right CUTTING YOUR STUPID ASS in front of. They're good people! Much better then you!

Step two: Fuck you.

Step three: I am not a lexmark printer of art, y'just can't kick me all the time to get what you want.

Step four: No, seriously, fuck you.


So I sent him an e-mail to tell him it's done. That he can now get off my goddamn ass about this, that FUCK YOU ITS DONE I HATE YOU HERE IT IS. Let's recant this fun one step at a time.

First E-mail:

Him: "Andrea, I hope that you are enjoying your new place in Ohio, getting to know the area...not qiute sure how far you are from Cleveland..I'm just following up on the drawing of Finley..to see if you still had time to have it for your mother's b'day..or a few days before it so I can get a frame for it..please let me know... thanks, Bruce."

Kind enough. Considering this was sent after a week of me blowing him off, it's still rather...not retarded. Let's move on.

Response e-mail (10 days later when image is completed):

Me: "It's all finished. Things here have been pretty all over the place, and a lot of my time's been dedicated to helping plan my friend's funeral. Let me know where to ship this to, and I'll do it tomorrow or the day after; The image is 11 x 14 inches in size if you'd like to get a frame. preview image is attached."

I only use first names or...names at all when I give a shit about the person I'm talking to. Thusly, there's not-a-name to be found.

Him: "Thank you Andrea, it looks great..you can ship it to me at *his said address*... please let me know the shipping cost....and where to send it to...sorry to hear your friends passing...hope things get better..take care.."

I...don't know why he's asking ME where to send it to--- after where he told me to send it to. I think he was trying to set up an enigma of sorts, i don't frickin' know. But here's where it starts getting fun.

Me: " It'll be like 5 USD total for shipping and the document mailer; I'll try to have it in the mail either tomorrow or tuesday, since I have to spray-fix the drawing so it doesn't smudge"

To me, this is english. As he is an accountant and deals with businesses and thier money, you'd think he'd....and the... Here, just read his response, which I snorted and bust out laughing at for a good 10USD...d'ah I mean, 10 minutes.

Him: "Andrea, I"m not sure what 5 USD means...I understand shipping cost.. but not document mailer..don't know spray-fix...please.... just how much more to get this done...where to pay..how..thank you"

I feel the need to break this down.

Andrea: Well, we're off to a good start, as I AM Andrea, and this is addressed to my e-mail.

"I'm not sure what 5 USD means": Okay, I guess you could play the...middle of the country syndrome where you're not swapping currencies all the time, but I was talking about price. FIVE is the only number in that goddamn e-mail. WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME IT'S ANYTHING BUT ABOUT MONEY? USD is a pretty standard term; he's a goddamn accountant! HE WORKS WITH MONEY. WHY IS--- my brain just melted lets move on.

"I understand shipping cost": Well, that's at least one small victory. But it's like saying "I read the preamble of the constitution, I understood the words "We the people" ---- What does WE stand for again?

"But not document Mailer": *facepalm* You'd think this would be self explanatory. The MEANING is in the GODDAMN NAME. DOCUMENTS are....Generally paper-like objects, roughly flat, of a predetermined size. Mailers are for.... Mailing. I cannot fathom why he doesn't know what a document mailer is, as again, about 30% of his job is mailing out documents. I.... this thing's too big to wrap my head around, because the inflated ass-clownery of the whole situation is too massive to understand.

"Don't know spray fix": I'll cut the TINIEST bit of slack on this, because I guess you could hear "Spray fix" and think of...maybe that rubber spray shit that's been on the TV a lot lately... or of a handiman made of spray, i don't know. But even looking in the previous e-mail, spray fix is followed by "So shit doesnt' smudge" So you'd rationally, and gramatically be able to figure out that the use of the noun would be to keep things from smudging. There is more then two-steps to the thinking process on what spray fix is, so I can understand the goddamn fumbling of brain.

"Please": This one has to be my favorite; next to document mailer. Please.... Please Andrea, have mercy. Don't use these...TERMS for things that generally everyone knows about. Please. Please don't be mean. Please stop torturing me with punctuation other then trailing ellipsis, you bumfuck hoar.

"just how much more to get this done" This one annoyed me. OH JEEZUS, NOT ANOTHER 5 DOLLARS. BAWWWWWWWW (i already shipped that shit out this morning, I wasn't expecting his stupid ass to pay anyways) But I hate when people regard this whole...artistic transation dealiemabob with so much dickery. BIITCH BITCH MOAN HOW MUCH MORE? BAWWWWWWW ps your mom's birthday is the 12th.


"where to pay" Up your ass.

"how." WITH U-SEDS, OF COURSE.

thank you I hope you castrate yourself on a pumpkin.


My e-mail back was pretty straight forward:

"5 USD is 5 dollars; United states Dollars. It cost 2.05 to have it shipped, and the envelope cost 1.59; i've already mailed it, I'm not going to hold it ransom for shipping costs. Document Mailer is a rigid envelope so the drawing doesn't get ripped up and bent. Spray fix is a aerisol spray that keeps the drawing from being smudged.

I shipped it out this morning already, so it should be on it's way. "

Obviously my true feelings and the ones sent out differ slightly. But I figured you guys could get some laughs out of my misery--- which it's not even misery, it's just a series of rather dickish events that showcase his personality oh-so perfectly.