'cause they thought I was a jiiive turkey.
Plus the tits. Prroobably a decent factor in that as well.
*Cryptic Feathers is Cryptic*
Been... uh...watching a lot of blaxploitation films today.
YES ANYWAYS I went in to get my oil changed, and they give me that extra serious super-death look, that low tone of ... "Ma'am.... We need to talk to you about your car."
Oooh, sounds so serious. Whyyy sooooserious.
Best was HOW they said it. Like they were saying "Ma'am. We need to talk to you about your 'car' --- you know, that 18 year old hoop-dee of a vehicle you push around against it's will that'll soon consume your soul into a fiery blaze of 1992 glory"
So that take me into the great medium channel of my car's soul. Lift it up to show me all my ailments and point them out as we both stand under it, knocking shit around. Meanwhile, all I can think about is that if my car were a person, i'd be tickling it's stomach. Though raspberries on my car would probably give me horrible Non PC blackface. I'm far too German already for that.
I've worked on my car. I've done a lot of work myself with it, I've been with that car for the last 6-7 years, i've replaced it's battery, I've helped fix gears, had the alternator, breaks, starter, plugs, belts, and all sorts of other tasty goodbits replaced with it that qualifies me as a bit of a gearhead. Not so much that i'll be wriggling around on the crappy garage I live above, but enough to know what things cost, how much labor is, and when Merlin is blindsidingly climbing your financial windows and snatchin' your savings up.
I came in for a 22 dollar oil change. They told me I owed them 1400 dollars.
So with each... BLATANT display of my apparent retardation at costs (50 dollar air filter, 300 dollar struts, 400 dollar FUCKING WELD)--- i start laughing. I can't help it. Again, beyond it just being robbery, it's the WAAYYY he explains it. He takes the time to tell me what every bit of the car does the same way you might tell a deaf 3 year old. Literally. " THE AIR FILTER ... that little fuzzy guy right there--- takes the AAIR from the outside, and FILTERS it to your engine."
Wow. I am learning... SO much. At this point all I can think of is my english teacher hitting me with a newspaper going " YOU CAN'T USE THE WORD TO DEFINE ITSELF"
Honestly. It's an AIR FILTER. Before this enlightenment, I was fairly sure it filtered water. Some times it filtered sand, and on thursdays it filters rocks and bugs. Someone once told me they thought it filtered beer, but then I told him he was a fucking idiot. Seriously. But now.. NOW i know that it's a 50 (10 USD at Autozone) CRITICAL piece of gold that sits by your engine and filters...something. Dammit, now i've forgotten.
The list. Ohhh the list of things that "needed" to be done lest I "Endanger myself". Raise your knees up now for some slappin'. New struts. GAS struts (gas ones are unnecessary and a little high-end for my POS Hoopdy) Why? Well, because the car was old. Obviously. As he put it "the car needs to have those replaced once in it's life, and it's best to do that now" A patch on my exhaust pipe - I like how he said this one "Noticed your car's been a little louder lately?" (actual response) "No."
He told me that if the crack got any bigger (it's microscopic at this point) That i'd be likely to have fumes going into the car. Then proceeded to escalate that half-assed notion that I might have it start a fire...somehow. Apparently my car is one big bomb. Ya'll better step the fuck off at MFF, lest I get the BOMBMOBILE involved! danananananaanaaaahhh!
Though On a very serious note, I'll have to ban undercarriage smoking on my car. I'll have to cut down on the time I drive over campfires as well. We all make sacrifices in life.
Other bullshit: My spare tire needed to be checked that I it wasn't swiped with an actual donut. Rotate my tires, Check for gopher holes, Test pressure, Replace windshield wipers (for 20 bucks each, I might add (( that's another thing that's like...5 bucks each)) ) Flush the AC. I actually cursed at the guy for this one, he hadn't been letting me laugh or talk for a good 10 minutes at this point. Him "We'll need to flush your AC, make sure it's working just fine " Me interrupting and laughing ; "Oh, I can save you the trouble on that one, it's completely fucked over. " Other things- check that my gas cap wasn't replaced with a pillow. Make sure my gas lines weren't made of candy, and get some belts replaced that I know still have a good 50,000 miles in them.
Basically, I stopped him. He gave me the spiel about how much i'd like to care for my car, that the 800 dollar 120,000 mile care-package was going to have me good for years and years to come, that the services NORMALLY added up to 2,000 USD (in... Uruguay, maybe) etc etc etc, and made the mistake of asking "what I thought about that." I don't get a lot of chances to "speak what I think" I take these opportunities VERY seriously. Guffaw.
I told him I know it was a 18 year old car, that it was not in the best condition, but it didn't need 90% of the things in there, that i'd just like my 22 dollar oil change and I'll be on my way. And I was. And as I drove that car, laughing with my dad on the phone at what a douchtastic thing they tried to pull on me, my car stunk like hell.
Because they over-filled the oil on it
Because they can't even get OIL right.
Douche-tards.
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